I don’t dislike change and uncertainty on whole, but I prefer to be the one controlling introducing the change and uncertainty.  I like to have a good idea of what’s coming next. An idea.  It doesn’t always have to be a PLAN.  Plans are nice, though. Just a path with potential opportunities and consideration for consequences.
Last year we were visiting family in Florida.  The delightfully social Niece #3 had decided that over the weekend we visited, we would all be going to the frozen yogurt place, because it is the best thing ever. We kept delaying the FroYo because of other activities, finally planning on it for Sunday evening. Excellent plan as Kathy and I had to leave on Monday and it would be a great way to top off the weekend. And because, FroYo!!  Sunday was busy.  The Eldest Niece had to return to college so some mid-day juggling to get her safely off, then we needed groceries, errands to run, then dinner was late, and we realized too late that we were still eating dinner 15 minutes before the FroYo closed.  Meltdown!  Tears, a drama-worthy “Everything gets RUINED,” and an appropriately timed door slam later there’s a hush, some soothing words of explanation, and we continue to eat our dinner.
That is so me.  Well, this is me when plans I’ve counted on – from minor plans regarding the order in which we will run our errands to the more involved decisions of how to schedule 100 things to do in 2 hours – get derailed without notice.  Luckily, I’ve had an extra 35 years of experience to turn my door-slamming, tear-stained proclamations to something closer to quiet frustration with some rolling of eyes. Most of the time, anyway.
While I risk categorizing myself as a control freak who can’t handle change, it turns out that I’m just “gold” according to the True Colors™ personality tests (a work thing we did).  I’m not change averse and it’s not inflexibility, I just need a little time to get used to the new plan – that might mean 5 minutes or 5 hours – I just need to process things to know where everything stands.  On the plus side, if you need a project planner that will keep your project on time and within the identified boundaries of scope and budget while still maintaining flexibility and accomplishing awesome goals… I’m the one you want!
I like to approach a lot of things with project planning skills.  I like a calendar—scratch that, I LOVE a calendar.  Really, the more office supplies, the better.  A timeline, some milestones, some desired results and I’m ready to attack anything.  I might throw out the plan. I might use it just as a method to process what’s next, what I need to do, how I need to prepare, and then abandon the plan when I’m comfortable with the experience of the journey.
Cancer is different.  We’ve been operating for about 3 months on a “we’ll know more next week” basis. This is so outside my comfort zone.  Now we have a plan. Sort of. Not really. Well, it’s a guesstimate.  17 cycles set 21 days apart.  Unless, blood cell counts are off, then we change the schedule.  Chances are I will lose my hair in the 2^nd week…unless it happens in the 3^rd week…and it won’t happen all at once, so just be ready for it any time.  A whole list of side effects that could happen…unless they don’t.  Remedies for the side effects…unless they don’t work.  Backup remedies…oh, and the side effects from the remedy for the side effect…there’s a remedy for that, too.
This isn’t about the side effects or the remedies or the treatment. The point here is that there’s a lot of uncertainty and a big need for flexibility.  We can plan for possibilities, but we mostly need to be able to roll with whatever happens. In the end, this is a life lesson. And, for me, the kind with a rather steep learning curve. This is the one where I learn to accept “what is.” Not just accept it, but welcome it. Welcome what is. Living in the present. Not worrying about what is next or obsessing about what can’t be changed, but to welcome and acknowledge what is in the present.
This isn’t a cancer post; this is a Life-Lesson-Alert post. Immense gratitude to God and the Universe for helping me realize it; this isn’t the thing you want to learn too late. I hope I remember that when I’m slamming a door and shout-crying my frustrations about unanticipated twists and turns. I don’t anticipate an easy ride, but I trust in my drivers and I have FroYo to get through the hard parts…unless I don’t…or I’m nauseous, in which case there’s a remedy for that.