Confession: I haven’t read a whole book this year. This is not the kind of thing you might expect to hear from a librarian. After all, we’re in it because we love to read, right? (That’s a librarian joke, we don’t get to read at work; that’s a myth.)
Confession: I didn’t become a librarian because I love books. Yes, I love to read; but that’s nothing to do with the librarian thing. I worked in the campus library in college in their cataloging department. After realizing I didn’t love my job in the insurance industry, I wasn’t sure what to do. A conversation with a friend reminded me how much I loved my old library job. So, I decided to be a librarian. I thought I’d be a cataloger.
Confession: I found cataloging for long periods of time to be excruciatingly boring. Luckily, while I was learning that I wouldn’t make a very good full-time cataloger, I was also learning that I enjoyed teaching adults and that these organizations called library consortia existed. I followed that path and, it turned out, that books were even LESS a part of the job than normal.
Back to the point: With the exception of finishing George R.R. Martin’s A Dance with Dragons last year (a feat that took a lot of months) and listening to a couple books on our drive to San Francisco (which I’m sure I slept through part), I haven’t read a whole book in 2015. I haven’t got the attention span for it these days. I try. I was reading Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird and I loved it. But I tended to skip around. I own a copy now (thank you, Santa Mom), and I’ll be working my way through it. I’ve tried listening to a Janet Evanovich book (#21 in the Stephanie Plum series). An easy read…always a great listen… can’t do it. I’ve downloaded it and started it three times now. I’ve given up for a while. I’m still good with magazines and library-related reports, though. At least there’s that. I can still enjoy Real Simple and Sunset; oh, and I can keep my job, too!
I blame it on the chemo. The nurses talk about “chemo brain,” but I was skeptical at first. I’m a believer now. Go ahead, Google it. Here’s a nice article.
In addition to my inability to focus on an entire book, I seem to be having trouble with names. Okay, I’ve always had trouble with names when meeting someone new. Now, though, I am forgetting the names of people I have known for years.
Confession: One day I was walking through my office and saw someone I have worked with for 14 years and couldn’t remember their name. I knew what they did for work, about their family, what kind of car they drove, and lots of other details. I just couldn’t remember their name. I did a minute later, it just was this horrible pause in my head when I realized: If I have to introduce them to someone else right now, I can’t. It’s not really common when it’s someone I see all the time. It happens more if I don’t see the person very often or they are a more distant acquaintance.
It’s not that I don’t remember the people. I just have been having a hard time with names lately. Ever know a word… it’s right there on the tip of your tongue… but you can’t get it out? It’s like that. It’s funny (to me) because I just keep thinking everyone’s name if Bridget. I only know one Bridget (I think…heheh) and I don’t think everyone is her. I just like the name, so now I assign it to everyone. So far, I’m pretty good at recovering when a name slips my mind.
Confession: I was out Christmas shopping one day, feeling great, driving down the road and suddenly I didn’t know where I was. Well, not completely true. I knew where I was (corner of Overland and Cole), but I suddenly didn’t know how to get to where I was intending to go next. It was a very long mental pause. Likely only a few beats of time, but it felt like everything slowed down to a crawl in my head with me going: Where am I going? Which way do I turn? How did I end up here? Okay, retrace steps. Holy hell, I’m going crazy. Okay, this is Cole & Overland. I’m on Overland. What happens if I turn here? Oh! That road goes over by the mall. Okay, breathe. We’re fine.
I suspect it happens to everyone at some point. It does, doesn’t it? Don’t let me be crazy on own, please! It’s just that it’s taking me a few extra beats to recover from the “Okay, where was I?” moment that we tend to have when walking into a room, figuring out where our reading glasses are, or wondering if a conversation really happened or took place in a dream (maybe only a problem for those of us who work in our sleep?).
Don’t despair! These memory problems aren’t expected to be permanent and haven’t yet affected my ability to work. Most of the time it’s like those funny/weird holy-crap-I’m-old moments. It’s not usually scary and never dangerous. In fact, I still have my ever-annoying ability to hyper-focus on some things.
Confession: Without distraction, I may become so immersed in a task that I forget to eat/drink, don’t hear you calling my name, and/or go hours without moving as my body has somehow shut down everything and rerouted all energy to the one task. Easiest to demonstrate with jigsaw puzzles, but also happens with work (spreadsheets, I love spreadsheets!), and sometimes writing.
This used to happen with reading books. Books, to me, are like movies. Like diving in completely and seeing everything take place in full color. I am the invisible observer to all that is going on (like jumping into the Pensieve at Hogwarts, for the Harry Potter fans). I miss have books to distract me and to take me to other places for periods of time. I will welcome a swim through some pages again one day soon. And, with luck, I’ll remember their names.