The first few days after Chemo Treatment #1 I was nauseous or near nauseous or….something. There’s a point where you know you’re not going to hurl (thankfully, I never did) but you just have this icky feeling and everything you do, each action and thought, is geared toward making that feeling not get worse.  The rules are: walk, drink lots of fluids, and eat. During those first few days, you want to do none of those things.  But they do actually help.  

On the fourth day after chemo I was doing a little work from home while still feeling a bit wiped out.  At one point I was on the phone with a contractor I’m working with; having a conversation about library things and setting up a meeting and I realized, I don’t feel crappy.  I felt normal. No nausea, no I-can-fall-asleep-right-here-right-now feeling, intelligent conversation not having to do with digestive issues, and I had a craving for food: mac and cheese.  It didn’t last, but it reminded me that what I felt the days before were NOT the going to be the “new normal.”

There is a new normal, though.  It’s only been a week, but I recognize some themes.

While I’ve never been one to nap previously (childhood aside), now naps have become a possibility.  Even if I don’t sleep, stopping to rest is important.  Consideration of energy is in the mix as we approach 1-week-post-treatment.  Thoughts go: If I walk through this store, will I have enough left to fold the laundry when I get home?  What we learn is that (a) laundry can always wait, and (b) 10 minutes of sitting can recharge.  Resting due to sudden fatigue is a part of the new normal.

Food has a whole new love/hate relationship.  The medical team says, “we don’t want you to lose weight.” Well, now, there’s a new normal.  What feels like a lifetime of trying to understand food as fuel, versus food as emotion, has finally become clear.  Calories consumed on a regular schedule help ward off fatigue. Certain foods help deal with unmentionable side effects.  When you’re losing a pound a day (first four days, not the diet plan I recommend), protein becomes even more important on those days you can choke it down.  Calories are energy.  Unfortunately, calories are also nausea and heartburn.

Heartburn!  I’m 45 years old, and I’ve experienced my first heartburn.  At first I thought it was weird. I’d eat a little bit then get this horrible full feeling — like post-Thanksgving Dinner regret.  Then it got worse.  I’d think, burp and you’ll feel better. Not true. Burp and a burn moves into your chest and you realize you can’t ever move your shoulders far enough apart to ease the burning, tight feeling. It’s like a flaming tennis ball has taken up residence at the base of your sternum.  I explained this to the Nurse Practitioner in a follow-up appointment, and she seemed unphased. Really?  I owe an apology to everyone I know who has had acid reflux; I didn’t know how annoying it is.  Now, I’m one of those peopole who take Zantac. Welcome to Heartburn Hotel, Baby!  

Let’s recap: We have fatigue, nausea, random times when only a special food will do, and heartburn.  The new normal seems to be pregnancy, but without the swollen feet.  I would imagine these things are worth to the pregnant woman because, hello, bundle of joy!  I remind myself these things are worth it to the chemo woman, because, hello, long life. I’ve got things to do.  

I’m writing this while sitting inside our trailer in a lovely State Park near the beginning of a weekend of camping.  We’ve since re-branded this as “glamping.” Credit to Mr. and Mrs. Stoddart for the vocabulary.  It’s all the luxuries of home, but in smaller sizes.  This trailer is my happy place.  Think about it — It’s like having a Barbie Dream House you can play IN. (And no annoying Ken!) This morning, Kathy and I were awake early, so we made some warm morning beverages and sat outside with a blanket watching the Sunrise.  We were the only ones up and about in our little slice of the world.  A sky many shades of pink, hands wrapped around a warm mug of tea, and a heavy blanket covering us.  I want more of that…from more locations…and with more of the people I love. That is the bundle of joy that makes it worth it all. 

It doesn’t mean I won’t bitch about heartburn and grumble because I have to figure out something I’m willing to eat when I don’t want to eat.  But I’m still willing to do 17 cycles to make the future a reality. 1 down, 16 to go.